The title aptly describes how I feel about the upcoming Bar exam. I have avoided blogging, because I knew it was inevitable that at least part of any post would revolve around studying for the Bar exam, the constant feeling that I'm going to fail regardless of my efforts, my inability to study, stay focused or motivated, and the low-level wonderment as to whether I really want to do this. In an effort to avoid this inevitability, I will focus on what little good can come from 2 months of violent studying and the accompanying self-deprecation.
First, studying for the Bar has given me good cause to visit Office Depot multiple times. My affection for visits to the drug store are rivaled by my affection for excursions to Office Depot. My love for office supplies really comes from my innate compulsion to be organized; in this way, I love all things that enable this. Whenever I watch Friends and there's a bit about how organized Monica is - take, for example, when Chandler is looking for a job and Monica organizes his options by color-coded folders and she gets excited about using her label maker - I get excited for her, and I wish I had a label maker or even a laminator. So far, I have stocked up on highlighters to the point that I have them in excess, packs of colored pens, and lined post-it notes in various colors (which, by the way, I really have no use for unless I'm going to go so far as to stick inspirational post-it notes, such as ones saying "you can do it" and "if you can't, the universe will not implode" or "at least you're not a drug-addicted prostitute and single mother in Calcutta" around my apartment).
Second, studying for the Bar exam has fueled my already strong appetite to read and practice yoga. I am more dedicated than ever, if you can believe it! Now that I am reading even more, I have an even greater need to visit Borders more frequently. And, who can visit Borders without visiting the nearby Anthropologie, Victoria's Secret, or Papyrus?
Third, studying for the Bar exam stimulates me to think of what I am going to do after it's all said and done. I do not mean this in the practical, sensible way. I am not contemplating where I am going to live, where I am going to work, how I am going to pay back my student loans that are now due and owing. Instead, I am contemplating what corner of the world I will get to explore. I've been thinking about this for a while, and I now realize I simply need to purchase my plane ticket. My choice of destinations has included (in this order): Portugal, France, Thailand, Vietnam, India, Nepal, Peru, Argentina, Ethiopia, Tanzania, (and now I'm back to) Portugal, Corsica, and Croatia.
Fourth, while this may seem counterintuitive, the Bar exam has enabled me to enjoy even more of the day than law school did. I've given Barbri's Pace Program the strongly-deserved middle finger; just as I was the furthest thing from a "gunner" in law school (I'm disappointed that in acquiring an actual career I'll be losing my weeks), I am not gunning it with the Bar exam. The Bar exam gives me something to do so that I'm not completely bored, but since I'm incapable of aiming high, I have plenty of free time to do things like: shop, visit Office Depot, practice yoga, see movies, grab lunch at my favorite spot - Samovar - and generally wander around aimlessly.
Who knows, I may even get to enjoy all of the above all over again in December.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
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